My Father

Cars were really important in our house.  In fact, when my sisters and I turned 16, we each got a new car. My mother, however, didn’t drive because of a car accident early into her marriage to my father. But my father loved cars.

My father – a Deputy Sheriff, Court Officer and Process Server – was the most charming, wonderful man. Sadly, he passed away 3 years ago.

The aging gods were unkind to my father as he aged. He had several detached retinas and a plethora of other health problems. Once he stopped working (because of these problems), his only remaining sense of independence was driving his car. He’d run errands, go grocery shopping and every Saturday night after church go for a beer (or two) and drive home.

One night, I happened to be driving behind him and I couldn't believe how badly he was driving. Obviously, he couldn't see very well – if at all. The next day, I gathered my sisters and my mom (yes, I am the first born), and told them that we had to stop our father from driving.

"He could kill himself, or worse, kill someone else," I warned them.

As I’m writing this, I’m filled with sadness and anguish. I can’t tell you how difficult this was – he yelled, screamed and drove the car everywhere. But, I remained undaunted. Ultimately, we removed the car. He really hated me for months after that.

We did have a full time driver for him, but it didn't matter. As it was put to us, “Charlie had lost his identity when he retired and now he’s lost his independence."

My mother passed away a short while later, so I guess the loss of his car wasn’t quite as important as it had once been.

But honest to God, a week before he passed away he said, "Tiffy, you think I'll be able to drive again?"

Hopefully, he’s riding around in a wonderful new Cadillac in heaven!

Redefining Sexy

Sexy

Several months ago, my husband and I were in Las Vegas and were taken aback by a bunch of 20-somethings heading out to go clubbing. They were dressed to impress – complete with skirts up to their choochilas and tops so low cut that everything short of nipples was exposed! I’m not talking short – I’m talking obscene!

Some of these gals were stunning with great bodies and others were a bit on the “hefty” side. But it didn’t matter! They looked like they could’ve been working Hollywood and Vine (ya know from Pretty Woman).

Let’s imagine one of these girls met the “Man of her dreams” at the bar dressed like hooker. What do you think the man is going to expect that night? I’m sure most of these gals probably do have morals, but based on what they were wearing, they’re simply sending out the “you’re going to get lucky” message. 

Allow me to sound like grandma now. (Wait, I really am one – but Niccie calls me “Tutu” so it doesn’t count.) Anyway, in my day, I think I was pretty hot – I wore everything from blonde wigs to rubber dresses at UndercoverWear Fashion Shows – and I certainly had the “strut” down pat. 

But if I think back to when I was dating my husband, I hope I looked sexy without ever coming close to looking like a hooker!

Young women today should learn that sexy doesn’t mean looking X rated. Marilyn Monroe was the ultimate sex symbol for blonde; Sophia Loren had raw sex appeal; and don’t forget Grace Kelly’s class and aristocratic sex appeal. Obviously, my age is showing, but seriously, I find these legendary ladies far sexier than Pam Anderson or Lady Gaga.

Of course men love to look at women with big boobs in low cut dresses the size of a bandage - unquestionably they do. But then again, even my husband says, “Men are pigs.”

Now, that’s out of a man’s mouth, so don’t start writing letters. You’ve all heard the story about the “Men are pigs and deserve to fry” club my friends formed when their husbands cheated on them. They all still have the 18k gold pig pins and custom t-shirts I had designed for club members only! 

I digress… The bottom line is this – look sexy, but look like a lady. Here’s my take on sexy at every age:

20 year olds think they have to look sexy 

30 year olds think they’re naturally sexy

40 year olds act sexy  (yep, enter confidence)

50 year olds wonder if they’re too old to be sexy

60 year olds want someone – ANYONE – to say they’re sexy

70 year olds try to remember sexy

80 year olds are glad they don’t have to be sexy

90 year olds – by God – they are SEXY!

Remember this ladies, sexy is what sexy does!

A clarification from Tiffany...

Apparently, Miss U’s blog about her facelift has caused some confusion. So much that I’ve received a plethora of calls and emails asking me exactly what type of cosmetic surgery I’ve had!

OK everyone; I have a couple of questions:

1.     Do you all think I need a facelift?

2.     Do you all think I need lots of other nipping and tucking?

And finally…

If I had a facelift, do you really think I’d put it in a blog?

So no. I’ve had nothing done. If I ever do, you’ll all see it immediately – way before you read about it. If I do decide to “have stuff done,” I’m not one of those gals who want to look “rested.” Forget that nonsense – I’d want to look younger…MUCH younger!

Let’s just say I was thinking about it. The perfect age would maybe be forty. Yes, that’s it. I think I’ll go for a consultation and see if they can make me look forty. It’ll be wonderful – when I go out with my husband, I will be the “trophy” wife. How fun.

Wait; there may be a flaw in my plan. The trophy wife thing is great, but what happens when I’m out with my son? He’s 40 and I’m his mom (who looks 40). There could only be one explanation for that – he’s my son, but from my husband’s first marriage and I love him like my own. After all, he does look more like my husband, so maybe I could get away with that. Unfortunately, it may not work – he has MY personality and my granddaughter is way too much like me!

OK. Plan B – I’ll look 50. So, Jamie is 40 and I’m 50. I’ll simply tell everyone I was born in the back woods of the south and married when I was nine. It’s a joke everyone, let’s not talk about political correctness. Joke – ha ha!

Here are the facts – when you have a son who’s 40, even if you lie about your age, you’re still “old!” I’m not looking for positive reinforcement like, “Tiffany you don’t look your age.” Nor am I searching for words of wisdom like, “your only as old as you feel” or “age is only a number.” And while you’re at it, let’s skip my favorite, “60 is the new 50 and 50 is the new 40.”

Let’s face it, 50 is 50; 60 is 60. And, in this stage of life (actually every stage of life), what’s most important isn’t a number – it’s staying healthy, maintaining a positive mental attitude and living each day to the fullest. My favorite UCW mantra I ever wrote is, “Remember where you came from, thank God for where you are and look forward to where you are going.” In other words, embrace the memories of the past, live for the moment and stay focused on what you want to achieve in your life – personally and professionally. 

Here it is – I’m 62! I can’t believe I actually said it. And damn it, I neither look it, nor feel it. So, I’m going with the cliché, “I’m like fine wine – I get better with age.”

Having said that, maybe I should look into Botox!

The Facelift...Part 2

Dear Beauties,

By now, Tiffany James has probably told you that I’ve had a face lift. If you haven’t heard, then you’re probably the only person in North America that doesn’t know.

But, it’s actually much more than just a face lift. Frankly, I’ve had EVERYTHING redone – a complete makeover!

Yes, from head to toe – you’re about to see an entirely new ME!

Initially, I was a little embarrassed to tell anyone, but leave it to Tiffany to tell the world!

When I met with my team of professionals, they were really nice, but were in total agreement that I definitely needed lots of work done!

It was team leader, Jamie, who said it best, “Ms. UndercoverWear, you’re still really beautiful. However, in most cases, you look tired, a little run down and just older. It’s just not the same look you had when you were younger.” He continued, “but don’t you worry, Ms. UndercoverWear, this great team can fix all that. In a few weeks you’re going to look fresh, young, energetic! It’s going to be a whole new YOU!”

Some of my friends said, “Oh Ms. U (that’s what I’ve asked them to call me), you don’t need a thing! You look great for your age.”

Well, that’s not exactly what I wanted to hear. Great “for my age” doesn’t work in my business. Day in and day out, I compete with the young and dynamic. 

Frankly, I know I still have what it takes to be FABULOUS!  But obviously, my inner youth didn’t quite match up to my appearance. So, after speaking to my makeover team, I said “Damn it, I’m going to do it. I trust you. Make me the BEST again!”

After they left, I was excited but also a little nervous. I suddenly began having second thoughts. I mean I’ve been around a long time and many people love me just the way I am – maybe I shouldn’t change.

Then guess who came to visit?  Yes, Tiffany.

And we all know Tiffany. She said, “Okay, Ms U, we’ve been together forever and I love you just the way you are. But – and this is a big BUT – if we’re being honest, we both know you really do need some work done.”

 “We’ve been through so many changes together” she continued, “first you were girly and frilly; then you were prim and proper. We’ve been down the road of romantic and recently, just a little too risque. During each phase, I knew you were exactly where you were supposed to be, but now it’s time. No more being ‘beige.’ No more old and tired.”

Tiffany told me it was time to once again stand out and “be exactly who you are meant to be!” She helped me see that change is difficult, but it’s also good, because change is the first step to growth.

“So, I’m agreeing with the team,” Tiffany said with her confident smile that always inspires me, “Yes, Ms. U. You really do need to get back in shape and look your best.  I’m only telling you this because I love you so much!” 

Then, of course, we both cried and popped open a bottle of Dom Perignon. We toasted the soon to be “new me” – a toast I’ll never forget.

So I did it! The first few days were much more difficult than anticipated. Whew… I’m glad it’s over, but the bandages are still on. In just a few short days, I’ll be ready to show the world what we’ve all been waiting for – the NEW Ms. U.

 Stay tuned, beauties…I can’t wait to show you!

XXXOOO

Ms.  U

P.S. I hope you realize when you say my name out loud, you hear “Miss You!” Of course, I planned it that way – I’m so damn smart AND wait ‘til you see how cute!

Happy Valentine's Day

After researching the origin of Valentine’s Day, I’ve discovered various theories, but the most popular dates back to the time of the Roman Empire during the reign of Claudius II, 270 AD. Claudius didn't want men to marry during wartime because he believed single men made better soldiers. Bishop Valentine went against his wishes and performed secret wedding ceremonies. For this, Valentine was jailed and then executed on February 14. While in jail, he wrote a love note to the jailor's daughter signing it, "From your Valentine." Catchy Phrase!

Moving on to the “XOXOXO” – that’s really complicated!

X is the Greek equivalent to “CH.” (Hence the Xmas vs. Christmas) It took me years to figure that out. In medieval times, when common people were unable to write, the X was placed on the document as a kiss – placed to show their sincerity.

The “O” is of North American descent, but no one seems to really know how it began. Theory is that the round shape represents arms encircling one another as in the embrace.

So X = Kiss O = Embrace.

Of course, I always thought XO mean Love and Kisses. So I’m going with the X = 2 lovers individually being a mere simple line but together creating the Xperience of love, joy and happiness. The “O” represents the circle of love with no beginning and no end.

Hey, my theory is as good as anyone else’s.

Here are more Valentine fun facts:

Food:

• Girls of medieval times ate bizarre foods on St. Valentine's Day to make them dream of their future spouse. (Quick, grab the oysters!)
•  Casanova, known as "The World's Greatest Lover," ate chocolate to make him virile.

• Over $1 billion worth of chocolate is purchased for Valentine's Day in the U.S. 

Flowers:

• The red rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love.
• Red roses are considered the flower of love because the color red stands for strong romantic feelings.
• Approximately 110 million roses, mostly red, will be sold and delivered within the three-day Valentine's Day time period.

I’ve got it – Chocolate Roses – those should be worth a couple of BILLION!

And finally, the most fabulous and tragic gift of love is the Taj Mahal in India.  Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan built it as a memorial to his third wife who died during childbirth. The principal mausoleum was completed in 1648   and the surrounding buildings and garden were finished five years later.  Shortly after the Taj Mahal was completed, his son put him under “house arrest.” When he died, he was placed next to his beloved wife in the mausoleum. 

The bottom line is there are many beautiful love stories and some heart enduring. But on this Valentine’s Day, let’s focus on giving out lots of XXXX OOOO’s!

Happy Valentine’s Day!